Yet another Noah review

I know extreme environmentalism is all the fad, but just yesterday I was cutting down a tree in my backyard. As I was reinforcing my mildly calloused hands, my 13 year old black lab decided to drop a deuce not 10 feet from me. The smell was so putrid that, even though it was windy outside, I had to leave the work area.

As I was watching the Noah film, I kept noticing the similarities between the film and that steaming pile of dung my dog dropped in my back yard.

A lot of ink has been spilled over this movie. Most of the issues have been flushed out. Here is a brief summary:

1. The film strayed far, far, far (did I mention far) from the Biblical text. We knew this was coming. No surprise here.

2. It’s not just that the Biblical details were overlooked, the entire Biblical worldview, core-values, and message were abandoned.

3. The movie promotes an extreme environmentalist agenda.

4. The movie was just bad. It was like a car crash between the Neverending Story and Galaxy Quest.

Here are few specifics that bothered me:

First, the meat eaters of the film were portrayed as the bad guys. During a particular scene someone tosses a live deer into a mob of frenzied human carnivores. They devour it alive in a way that would make the zombies of The Walking Dead proud.

Earlier, while Noah was gathering moss to eat, his son asks him, referring to the evil men in the line of Cain, ‘Why do they eat meat?’ –‘Because they think it makes them strong,’ Noah responds.

Yes, Noah. We do think meat makes us strong. In fact, we know it does. Are there any competitive athletes who don’t eat meat? Do we have any vegan football players?

Yeah, yeah, I know. I saw the film Forks over Knives which chronicled an obscure MMA fighter and his journey into veganism. The key word here is obscure.

Sorry folks, the protein we get from vegetables, nuts, and legumes do not give us the amino acids we need to maintain good health.

Ron Swanson would be ashamed.

Second, the antagonist, Tubal-Cain (Played by Ray Winstone) managed to deliver the most offensive line of the film. Somewhere near the end, he actually starts quoting scripture. He says that he was made in the image of God and that he was given dominion over the earth to subdue it. These foundational Biblical truths, the imago dei and earth stewardship, were used as a justification for his tyranny and destruction.

Of course the bad guy was the one quoting actual scripture.

It reminds of me Isaiah 5:20

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.”

Anyway, I wanted to see the film because I knew people would be talking about it.

The bottom line is this: Save your money!

P.S. Did I mention that Noah tried to murder his newborn granddaughters at the end of the film?

P.S.S. I just found a curious article. A prof claims that Aronofsky didn’t use the Biblical text as source material (we knew that), but rather the Kabbalah. Check it out:



  1. Nailed it! There was only one thing missing to put the cherry on top of this mockery of a film, 2 hobbits and a precious.. (smeagol voice) would’ve made more sense.


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